Date: 2009-03-13 15:20 Subject: Just know those moments I disconnected from you. I did it for your own good Security: Public

I have to say, looking back at older entires, I'm glad I shut the fuck up about everything eventually and let silence take over. Should've done it a lot sooner. After a few, it was unbearable to read more than a couple of sentences. I just couldn't stand to. I also just couldn't believe that was me in sort of a way - despite it slightly being a part of me still.


Hm. Yeah, I did me and everyone else a favor.

Get out of my head already.


You've been in there too damn long

Eraser
nine inch nails
The Downward Spiral

Need you
Dream you
Find you
Taste you
Fuck you
Use you
Scar you
Break you
Lose me
Hate me
Smash me
Erase me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me

Ritual
Ashes Divide
Keep Telling Myself It's Alright

At night when our voices succumb
And flame flows through our silhouettes on the wall
We have nothing...left to say

Because we use some terrible words
To get such subtle rewards
That never seem worth it to me
They say the older we are, we can't change
And I say, that all that we are
Is dark matter anyway, so just pray...
With me.

You and I keep falling further away
It's become a ritual
We stare like strangers straight through each other into the wall

And you say, when your knives and your nails come unfurled
From the caged theoretical storms that mean nothing
But they go straight through me
'Cause we use some terrible words
Which always sends me crippled into flying

You say it's not too late, we can change.
And I say, hurry up, help me touch the ground tonight.
Please...
Say the words.

You and I keep falling further away
It's become a ritual
We stare like strangers straight through each other into the wall
You and I keep falling further away
It's become our ritual
We stare like strangers straight through each other into the wall

Do you ever think you could erase the things I've said?
The bitter words that drip from wounds, inside your head
I wanna see the blood rush back into your face.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you this way

I am probably the only one who hates Birthday's. Just means, you're getting old.

Who wants that?

Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That's your band's name.
Click random article again. That's your album name.
Click random article 15 more times. Tracks on your album. (I did 17 to change it up a bit). I also skipped some because, it kept bringing up names.

Band name: Interstate 805
Album name: List of diplomatic missions in Bahrain

Tracklisting

1. Tusker FC
2. Sellerich
3. DEK
4. Alexander Khinshtein
5. Shiloh Strong
6. Duchess of Bedford
7. Clock ident
8. Bundesautobahn 2
9. Funakoshi
10. Blood parrot cichlid
11. Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel
12. Passerida
13. Pyrrhocoroidea
14. Marine Boy
15. Elfen Lied
16. Ichhra
17. Green Party of Manitoba

Sometimes I wonder why certain people die before others. People who seemingly didn't deserve it over them either. Or I at least think so.

If this life is to experience, why would it be taken away for so many people at a young age?

Or was it not supposed to happen that way? The accidents, murder, cancer, etc. They are not what was intended. Like a wrench thrown into how your life was going to turn out. And it's just something that happens after we've been given free will, or free reign to make our own choices.

I don't know. I guess, after hearing about incredible people dying, it got me thinking about the whole concept...

It's got industrial, rock, hip hop, and some rap elements. Hard to explain what genre it or he is. Produced by Trent Reznor of some band you may have heard of. It's an awesome album.

They released it differently than one would expect. No labels or companies - yet. They finished it and provided it online to get it out sooner. You can pay $5 to download it at 320 kbps or FLAC, and/or download it for FREE at 192kbps if you click the link below. Give it a try. http://niggytardust.com/saulwilliams/download

Standouts to me (as far as I can remember); WTF!, Skin of a Drum, No One Ever Does, Banged and Blown Through, and The Ritual.

You wish there was something you could say. But there's not. And there isn't anything anyone can do either.

Then you wonder who would listen?

Suddenly, you realize in a way, it's probably not anyone who you'd want to listen for some reason.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone inspiring maybe. Maybe keep each other off the edge of insanity in a way.

Do yourself a favor.


Give up on me.

Just to put it out there; Let's say if you died tomorrow.


Would you have said everything that you wanted to?

Would you have regretted that you didn't? Or are you at peace with the thought of knowing you didn't?


Ok, now...


What if it's something you kept to yourself and had no intention of letting out? You wanted it that way. Maybe something you kept hidden out of fear. Or maybe thought you had all the time in the world, it just wasn't the right time. All that said and done, would you wish you did then?


Think about it.

Tool was amazing. Being on the floor was amazing. Just felt electric. Crowd was insane. Band was into it. I was so close too. God, I wish I could see them again this tour.

Though I could sure use a whole body massage right about now...


Setlist for those who are wondering or missed out.

Jambi
Stinkfist
Forty-Six & 2
The Pot
Schism (extended)
Lost Keys
Rosetta Stoned
Intension intro
Right In Two
Wings For Marie
10,000 Days
Lateralus (extended)
Vicarious


Orgasmic moments: Jambi, Stinkfist, 46 and 2, 10,000 Days, Lateralus (extended), and Vicarious. Last 3 were something special though.

God. I hate when my mind does this.

It hasn't for a while. Most times when I go to sleep, I am dead tired and I fall right to sleep. But today, it decided to do it to me. I just start thinking about things. A past regret, if you will. Been continuous for a few yrs actually. I just end up wondering what I could have done differently. How everything would be different today. Even if it's a subtle difference. It's probably nothing, and wouldn't have much impact today.

Still though. I just made fundamental mistakes back then. I took things too seriously. Things I would not do today. Just wish I could tell them how sorry I am for fucking things up and for being such a fucking moron (I actually could say this last part to a few people). I was gonna say they probably don't even think about me, but I think they probably do from time to time - just to think about how stupid I was. I wouldn't blame them either. Haha. Funny stuff.

"I was clearly at the point where I was ready to give up, and it wasn't that I didn't have the motivation to ... it was almost as if I couldn't bring myself to make a conclusion. But it was mostly because I didn't feel that I had someone who was going to walk with me through the horrible reality that we live in. I guess I was just more lost than anything. I didn't have anything to attach myself to. I didn't have any emotions or fears — nothing to have hope for. "

Too many things happening in one week that remind me how fragile mortality is.

Well, one happened 12 days ago, and just found out about it now.

Another wasted life. Very sad. I just hope I don't turn out that way.



Zero-Sum
year zero
nine inch nails

They're starting to open up the sky
They're starting to reach down through
And it feels like we're living in that split-second
Of a car crash
And time is slowing down
And if we only had a little more time
And this time
Is all there is
Do you remember the time we
And all the times we
And should have
And were going to
I know
And I know you remember
How we could justify it all
And we knew better
In our hearts we knew better
And we told ourselves it didn't matter
And we chose to continue
And none of that matters anymore
In the hour of our twilight
And soon it will be all said and done
And we will all be back together as one
If we will continue at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

And you never get away
And you never get to take the easy way
And all of this is a consequence
Brought on by our own hand
If you believe in that sort of thing
And did you ever really find
When you closed your eyes
Any place that was still
And at peace
And I guess I just wanted to tell you
As the light starts to fade
That you are the reason
That I am not afraid
And I guess I just wanted to mention
As the heavens will fall
We will be together soon if we
Will be anything at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

Year Zero is like one big electronic orgasm.

I hate those crappy days where you're tired, but you are conflicted because you want to sleep and don't want to sleep until you're damn nearly about to pass out. Which is the stage I'm beginning to reach. And it's all because something is bothering you. You just feel in an overall shitty mood about everything.

Which I must say, I don't know how I made it this far. I can mean that in 2 different ways too. Both are bad. Though, typing it, I meant in the not-so-bad way that it can be interpreted. Yet it made sense either after I typed it, because that is when it came to me.

Weird. So, today (well, fuck yesterday), I heard this person on the Cali radio station from their website. I had started talking to her in 2002. She became a DJ (and got married) in the time span we didn't talk - which was from 03-06. But she quit doing radio 6 or so months ago sometime after we caught up a bit. She wanted to move hrs away from where the station was at in Cali to pursue other things and go back to school. Back then, they didn't have streaming radio on their website either or I would've listened a lot sooner. She came back as a guest type thing, and it was just cool hearing on there and such. And I even emailed her letting her know I was listening and requested "The Big Come Down." She replies to me saying, she loves that song, and she'd play it later, and play the new single first, which she did. She didn't end up playing TBCD though. But it's okay. She was bombarded with requests so it's understandable. It would've been fucking awesome if people could've heard it on the radio there. Might have turned people on to "The Fragile?" Who knows? But seriously, I fucking love this album. My mood seems to change a lot between this and Downward Spiral, but this album, just has so much to it. And it sucks, because there are a lot of left overs locked away and kept from us. Aaron North, new live guitarist said, his favorite NIN songs are Fragile left overs. When 2009 comes around, Trent better fucking release the 10 yr anniversary Fragile Deluxe edition (like Downward Spiral, only different) with unreleased stuff on it. Probably be 4 or 5 cds worth of material, and I'd fucking buy 2 of them. Ok, only one, but still. I want to hear the stuff that was left off, goddammnit! And imagine hearing the album in surround sound, and in all that extra High definition crap? Hell, fuck that. I just want stuff that I haven't heard from it!@#$%

Blah, I'm done rambling on about things. Weird how this stuff just pours out of you sometimes, huh? aND I'm also on the verge of passing out. Yet, I don't think I will go to sleep still haha. Yeah, I need help. Please help me.

Date: 2007-02-26 13:36 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

www.hollywoodinmemoriam.org


In This Twilight
year zero
nine inch nails

Watch the sun,
As it crawls across a final time
And it feels like,
Like it was a friend.
It is watching us,
And the world we set on fire
Do you wonder,
If it feels the same?

And the sky is filled with light
Can you see it?
All the black is really white
If you believe it
As your time is running out
Let me take away your doubt
You can find a better place
In this twilight

Dust to dust,
Ashes in your hair remind me
What it feels like
And I won't feel again
Night descends
Could I have been a better person
if I could only do it all again?

And the sky is filled with light
Can you see it?
All the black is really white
If you believe it
And the longing that you feel
You know none of this real
You will find a better a place
In this twilight